This is not a story about how I wound up in rehab as a quadriplegic. Well, I take that back. It forms a part of the story but the heart of the story is not about how I survived. It's about how I learned to live again.

Let me start by telling you that I had a phobia when it came to creepy crawly things – snakes, spiders, beetles, even worms. But of all the creepy crawlies, I hated cockroaches most of all. I hated the way they scurried around in the dark. I hated the way they hid in cupboards and left trails of roach poo. I especially hated how they clambered unexpectedly out of cereal boxes, feeling smug and self-satisfied.

As a university student I frequently inhabited buildings infested with these dirty, disgusting creatures. I would leave the lights on in the kitchen, much to the chagrin of my flatmates, so that they didn’t surprise me in the dark. I stuck roach motels under furniture and in cupboards but made my flatmates remove them once they filled up. And if a cockroach ran towards me, as they do, you’d better not have been standing between me and the door.

The accident changed many things about my life but the one thing it didn’t change was how I felt about cockroaches, so you can imagine my consternation when sitting immobilized in my wheelchair, I watched in horror as a particularly large cockroach, strolled across my leg and sat on my hand. I mean, I was paralysed, completely paralysed from the neck down so logically, I couldn’t feel anything, but phobias aren’t logical. My skin, with or without physical sensation, felt him walking on me and I had no way to escape. I cried out for help but no one came.

Meanwhile, he sat down, with his horrible, long brown antennae waving in the air. Sweat beaded on my brow and I screamed louder.

“No one’s going to come.”

I looked down. Was the cockroach talking? Was he talking to me? I stopped screaming. Not because the cockroach told me to, but because, well, I never expected a cockroach to speak.

He casually wiped his antennae with his front legs.

“They’re all busy serving lunch and I have to tell you, today it’s not the best.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Spaghetti bolognaise”, he said, then quickly added, “but very little meat. To be honest, I’ve had better, but you get what you get, right?”

He looked around and then continued, “I prefer Wednesday lunches. They serve roast with vegetables. Say, are you on solids? Not that I have a preference either way. They used to have an in house chef. The meals were better then. Now some food company delivers pre-packaged stuff they stick in a food warmer. We used to dine, after hours in the alley out back but now, we gotta eat with the residents. You understand what I’m sayin’? “

I visualized the cockroach sitting on my meal tray and felt sick to my stomach.

The cockroach finished with his antennae and crossed his front legs.

“So what are you in for?”

I was not about to indulge an arthropod. My condition, after all, was none of his business. Besides, how did I know I was not in some drug induced hallucination? I ignored him.

Eventually, he got bored, stood up and began walking up my arm. Terror engulfed me. I couldn’t actually feel him but nonetheless, I felt my skin crawl and I struggled to breathe as my panic increased.

Fortunately, the squeal of wheels and approaching footsteps announced the arrival of the lunch cart. The cockroach made a hasty exit as the aide entered my room.

“There’s a cockroach in here.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, love. This place is sprayed regularly. Even if one were to get in, it would be dead in no time. Now, let’s get you fed, “ and she pulled over a chair. As she settled a table in front of me, I spied the cockroach on the lunch cart. He ran one leg over the edge of my plate, tasted the sauce and shook his head.

“ I don’t want lunch,” I said, but she picked up the plate and began to scoop up a spoonful.

“Open up.”

I closed my mouth and turned my head away. After several failed attempts, she gave up and left.

Once she was gone the cockroach peaked out from under my arm.

“So mobility issues, eh? Wanna tell me how it happened.”

I was still not ready to engage in conversation with a bug.

“Okay, I get it. You’re waiting to be introduced. I’m Arthropoda Insecta Blattodea but you can call me AL. I’d shake hands but that wouldn’t make much sense given your condition.”

I was really starting to hate this creature. Just because he could still move around on his own, didn’t give him the right to feel superior to me.

He kept looking at me expectantly until at last I blurted out,” Car accident.”

“ So did a car hit you?”

“No I drove into a tree.”

“What, the steering failed?”

“No, I lost control of the car and it crashed.”

“So it wasn’t a car accident.”

“Are you listening. The car crashed. It was a car accident.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes, it was.”

“Look, you lost control. The car crashed. The car was collateral damage. It was human error.”

“It was not human error,” I shouted.

“Okay human, explain why it was not your fault.”

No way. I was not going to explain myself to this annoying six legged beast.

He continued to prod, “Forget the car. Tell me about losing control.”

“It was because of the spider,” I blurted out.

“Bastards,” then he added, “What kind of spider?”

“A huntsman. “

“ How big? “

“ I don’t know. As big as my hand. “

He strolled down to my hand and paced from one side to the other.

“ Hmm. I’ve seen bigger. So? “

“ So this huntsman spider drops onto the steering wheel and I let go.”

“Ok, and?”

“And I was going down this steep hill with a bend in the road.”

“I see, so you ran off the road and hit a tree?”

“Actually, I flew off the road and the car landed in a tree”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

“That’s exactly what I thought at first. I was just suspended, looking out at the other tree tops. Then, that spider came back, just scurrying along the dash so I swiped at it. That’s when the car shifted and began to slip.”

“What did the spider do?”

“How do I know? I was in a car, about  to topple out of a tree. I was more concerned about what was going to happen to me.”

“So, the spider crashes the car and suddenly, you loose interest in it.” He must have seen the murderous look on my face so he quickly added, “So what happened next?”

“The car crashed down through the branches and landed face down in the ground.”

“So the car comes to a sudden halt.”

“Only, I don’t. I keep going, right through the windshield. Then, just when I think everything is good, the car tips over on top of me.”

“I get it. The seat belt failed.”

“I wasn’t wearing my seat belt.”

“Hmm. So let me get this straight. You blame the car when it was you who let go of the steering wheel on a hill while you’re not wearing a seat belt.”

“I never said I blamed the car.”

“You said Car Accident. I heard you say that.”

“I didn’t say I blamed the car. It was the spider. I blame the spider.”

“So now, it’s the spider’s fault. Excuse me for stating the obvious but I don’t recall the spider driving. Don’t get me wrong. I hate spiders. Nasty creatures. Still, you’re a lot bigger than a spider. He was only as big as your hand. You understand what I’m saying? “

“You’re saying the accident was my fault?”

He pondered a moment. “ I think ultimately, gravity was to blame. Well, gravity and on your part, momentum. “

“ Gravity? “

“ Look it’s not what we see that we need to fear. It’s the unseen forces. Look at my life. If I see feet coming at me, I know to run away but I can’t see roach poison. That spider was just doing what spiders do. You could have ignored him or knocked him out the window or squashed him. He was not the real threat. Anyway, he didn’t hurt you. You let the car wander into the tree, gravity pulled you out of the tree and your own momentum pulled you out of the car.’

Then he raised himself on his front legs, twitching his antennae and said,’ What you needed was an anti gravity device. “ and at this point he spread his wings and flew up into my face.”

IF I could move my arms, I would have swatted him out of the air and stomped on him. Disabled as I was, all I could do was blow air at him. Eventually, he settled back down on my arm and tucked his wings back in place.

“Look, I gotta go now, lunch calls, but I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you.”

“Don’t bother,” I said but he was already on the floor and speeding out the door.

The next day, they pushed me out into the garden and left me to ponder the daisies. I guess they thought the fresh air and sunshine would improve my mood. What I really needed was major back reconstruction so I could be normal again. Anyway, there I am watching the grass grow when I see this girl walking towards me. She stops in front of me and as I look up at her, what do I see? That damn cockroach is sitting like a barrette in her hair.

“I don’t know if I should tell you this, but there’s a cockroach in your hair.”

She puts her hand up and the cockroach climbs on. Then she holds out her hand towards me.

‘Is it a cockroach? “

“ Yeah, can’ t you see? “

“ Not since birth, “she replies.” AL is my eyes and ears. “

My mouth probably fell open. She was walking confidently, no cane, no hands feeling her way. Then, I blurted out,” Are you deaf too? “

She laughed and I realized how stupid I must have sounded. Still it was a nice laugh.

“When, I said he was my ears, I meant he brings me all the latest news. He knows everything that goes on around here.”

I looked at the cockroach who was still sitting on the hand she held out to me. I swear he was smirking, but it’s hard to tell with cockroaches because their faces are so small.

“ He said I should visit you,” she continued. “ He said you were having problems adjusting. “

“ I see”, I replied and then immediately felt stupid. For his part, the cockroach just put his front legs over his face and shook his head.

“Okay AL, maybe we should continue our walk.” She placed the cockroach back in her hair and as she walked away she added, “See you around.”

The next day, I was in my room, watching rain drops splatter against my window. I was hoping to run into the girl from the garden but she wasn’t in the dining room at breakfast.

“Psst.”,I looked around, as best I could given my limited mobility.

“Hey”, came a little voice and something tickled my ear. “I got a message for you.”

I cringed as I realized that damn cockroach was crawling on me.

“Can you stop crawling on me cockroach.”

Unfazed he simply said, “Why can’t you just call me AL like a normal person.”

“Because I’m not normal. Now can you just get off me. That’s annoying.”

Instead of getting off, he crawled up the side of my head and perched himself on top.

“Right. Now Juanita wants to see you again.” Then he added, “Don’t take me literally. She said you could swing by and pick her up, seeing as you got wheels. She’s waiting in the dining room.”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not? You don’t look that busy, if you don’t mind my saying so.”

I was in no mood to continue conversing with this little busy body so I remained silent, staring blankly at the window.

He paced on my head, and then suddenly, he walked down my forehead and onto my nose.

“ I get it,” he said as if discovering some great mystery. “ You haven’t learned to drive yet. “

I tried to turn away from him but he was sitting on my nose. I looked at him cross-eyed, which gave the illusion of two cockroaches.

“ Haven’t you had lessons? “ he continued. “By now, you should be in training. What’s the problem? You haven’t been skipping school, have you?”

I hated admitting it. He was right. The physical therapist had the gooseneck fitted to my chair, but I refused to pay attention to her instructions. She said driving a tongue controlled wheelchair was easy but all I could think was, I looked like a geek. I had no plans to drive myself around in public. Not ever. Full stop.

“You want me to drive?”

“No! I want you to leave me the hell alone.”

“Touchy today. Which reminds me, I’ve got a funny story for you.”

He crawled down over my lips, then hopped off my chin onto my knee. He adjusted himself and sat back on his hind legs.

“You know Jerry, in the next room?”

“No”, I said keeping my eyes focused on the tracks of the rain drops.

“You sure? You sat next to him last night at dinner.”

“I don’t pay attention. They’re just a bunch of Invalids”, I said looking straight at him, “like me.”

“You should get to know them. They’re nice people. Well, most of them”, and he gave me that smirk again. “Anyway, I’m talking to Jerry and he says, at this point the cockroach giggles. “While you’re here, can you scratch my left toe. “ Now he really starts laughing, then pulls himself together and adds, “It itches.” He’s falling over with laughter.

“What’s so funny about that.”

“Are you kidding? His left foot was amputated ages ago.”

I stared at the cockroach in disbelief. “That’s not funny.”

“No? Then why did Jerry laugh when I said I would check to see if they chucked it in the bin outside?”

I stared at the cockroach. He was absolutely the most revolting, insensitive character I had ever met. “

“ And I suppose if his arms had been amputated you would have asked him to point the way.”

“Hey, that’s good. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Can you go away and annoy someone else.” The last thing I felt like doing at that moment was verbally sparring with a cockroach.

At the sound of the coffee cart approaching, the cockroach jumped down, “Well, that’s my queue.” Scurrying across the floor he added, “I’ll let Juanita know that you haven’t got your driver’s license yet.”

I didn’t see Al for several days. Did I just call him Al? Anyway, I was busy. My parents appeared with their new wheelchair accessible mini van and told me all about the house renovations that would improve my life. As if? They didn’t understand that I had no desire to be seen in public. I wasn’t normal and I would never be normal. No amount of amenities would change that. I was a freak, plain and simple.

Then, one morning, AL was there. I had just gotten an upgraded set of wheels. Some guy demonstrated how to operate the chair with my tongue.  He showed me how I could use a computer by blowing into this mouth piece. The new chair could move me around and even get me to stand up. He was so proud of all this computerized gadgetry that he didn’t even notice I wasn’t listening.

Once computer geek and my therapist left, Al appeared on my arm.

“Well, if it isn’t the bionic man.”

I pretended not to hear him.

“Not talking today.”

He crawled onto my lap and proceeded to bathe himself. What a show-off. As he wiped his antennae, he said, “Mind if I check out the new gadget.” Then, not waiting for my response, he jumped onto the gooseneck and began peering and poking the device. He blew into it. Walked around it. Sniffed at it, until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Really, do you mind. I have to put my mouth on that.”

“So you’re going to use it? I thought you told them you weren’t interested.”

“Whether I use it or not, it’s none of your business, so just leave it alone.”

He ignored me as usual and tried blowing into the mouth device. Nothing happened. Then he tried flapping his wings.

“I don’t think it’s designed for use by cockroaches.”

For some reason, the idea of a wheelchair propelled by a cockroach seemed funny to me, so I started to laugh. Al looked at me sideways, which is generally how cockroaches look at everything, then he too started to laugh. I continued to laugh until the laughter turned to sobs. “I wish I was dead”, I blurted out.

AL jumped onto my lap, waving his front legs and antennae. “Don’t say that! Don’t ever say that! Look, there was this fly on the window. He kept banging his head against the window saying, I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. Then bam! He was making so much noise, some human shut him up with a rolled up newspaper. Wanna know his last words? “

“ Not interested.”

“He lay on his back, feet in the air and..”

“Not interested. I’m not a fly and I’m not going to get beaten to death with a newspaper. Okay!”

He just shook his head, “Dead is dead.” Then he proceeded to tell another story.

“I knew this female once. She was nice, you know. Long slim body, pheromones out the Ying yang. She was a feminist, always going on about parthenogenesis, said she didn’t need a male. Drove us all crazy. Then one day she got partially squished. Lost two legs on her left side. At first she tried to run, but could only go in circles. We all thought that was the end of her but no. She figured out how to rebalance using one wing. Wasn’t easy, wings usually work in tandem. “

“ Enough. “

AL continued anyway, “She was never the same but she survived. Made a nice home for herself in the microwave. And, she was right about the partho thing. Raised a nice tribe of little ones. You understand what I’m sayin. “

I gave up and for awhile, AL and I sat silently watching the rain creating little streams that meandered down the glass.

“ Well, I gotta go. See you around kid. “ I didn’t bother watching him leave but then I kind of missed him. Maybe that day was the turning point.

My therapist, in hind sight, was a real champ. She forced me to practice everyday, whether I wanted to or not. Everyday, she pushed me and grudgingly over time I learned to move around on my own. I learned to stand with the help of the lift device. She gave me gloves that allowed me to move my fingers.

Other things changed. Friends who used to come around after the accident drifted away. They knew and I knew, we had nothing in common but Al suggested I make new friends. My family never wavered, though. Even when I pushed them away, they kept coming back.

One day AL and I were talking. He said, “I saw you in that exoskeleton thing. Made you look like a giant beetle. I could almost think of you as one of us.”

“You know Al, sometimes I think you are bug bigot.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Some of my best friends are humans.”

“But you feel superior. Admit it.”

“Look kid, cockroaches were around long before humans. Once upon a time we were huge and we ruled the earth. And, when humans finally destroy themselves, we’ll survive because we know how to adapt to changes.”

“How do you know this stuff? “ I asked.

“I read it in a book I ate once.”

“You can read?”

“Not read, but I look at the pictures. Same thing really.” He sighed and stood up stretching his legs.

“By the way, now that you know how to drive, you want me to tell Juanita that you’ll swing by tomorrow?”

“I started to say that I wasn’t ready just yet, but then I thought, I’ll never be ready if I don’t try.” Yeah,” I said and then added with more confidence,” Hell, yeah. “